“How Was School?” (And Other Questions That Can Wait 20 Minutes)

A familiar scene, right?

It’s 4:10pm.

You’re juggling bags, traffic, messages from work, and the mystery of what’s for dinner. Your child steps through the door in Jakarta, drops their shoes somewhere emotionally chaotic, and within minutes—boom—they’re crying, snapping, melting down, or refusing the simplest question like, “How was school?”

And you’re standing there thinking, But I just picked you up… what happened?

If this is you, you’re not alone. Many of us have been there, trying to hold it together while our kid falls apart the second they get home.

What’s really going on: the “after school crash”

For a lot of kids aged 6–12, school is a long stretch of self-control. They’re following instructions, sitting still, sharing space, managing friendships, keeping track of things, and trying to get things “right.”

So when they get home, it’s not that they’re suddenly becoming difficult. It’s often that their system is saying:

“I can finally exhale.”

And that exhale can look… messy.

It can bring up feelings like:

• Exhaustion (from concentrating and coping all day)

• Overwhelm (too many demands, too much noise, too much social stuff)

• Worry (friend drama, mistakes, fear of getting in trouble)

• Guilt (you want to be patient, but you’re also running on fumes)

• That tight, trapped feeling when everyone needs something at the same time

  
  

If you’re a busy parent—two working parents, a single parent, caregiving with a thousand tabs open in your brain—this can feel like the hardest part of the day landing right on your doorstep.

And honestly? That makes sense.

Why 20–30 minutes can make a difference

Many kids need a short “buffer zone” between school mode and home mode.

Think of it like this: adults often don’t jump from a meeting straight into being emotionally available either. We need a beat. A snack. A minute to stare into the fridge.

Kids are the same—except they have fewer words for it, and their bodies tend to speak louder than their mouths.

So instead of trying to “fix” the crash right away, one helpful experiment is simply to create space for decompression first.

5 gentle experiments you could try after school

1) The “No Questions Yet” Window

One option is giving your child 20 minutes where they don’t have to report, explain, or answer anything.

Why it might help:Questions— even loving ones—can feel like more demands right after a day full of demands. A pause can help their brain switch gears.

Try saying:

• “Hey love, we can do ‘no questions’ for a bit. I’m just happy you’re home.”

• “You don’t have to tell me anything yet. We’ll do a soft landing first.”

Make it easier on low-energy days: Put a sticky note on the fridge that says “Soft Landing” so you remember even when your brain is fried. (Because we forget. We’re human.)

2) Snack + Water First (A.k.a. the “Hangry Prevention Plan”)

You could try making the first 5 minutes about refuelling, not talking.

Why it might help:A lot of after-school meltdowns are amplified by hunger, thirst, or pure body tiredness. Food doesn’t solve everything—but it often lowers the volume.

Try saying:

• “Let’s feed your body first. Snack time, then we’ll see what you need.”

• “I’ve got a snack ready. We can talk later if you want.”

Make it easier on low-energy days: Pick two default snacks and repeat them on rotation (no novelty required). Something like crackers + cheese, banana + peanut butter, or yoghurt + granola. Decision fatigue is real.

3) The “Decompression Choice Menu” (3 Options, Not 10)

One option is offering a tiny menu of calming choices—because choice can be regulating, but too many options can backfire.

Why it might help:After a day of being told what to do, a small sense of control can help kids settle. It also gives you a plan when everyone’s tired.

Try saying:

• “You can pick: quiet time in your room, a cuddle on the sofa, or outside time for a bit.”

• “Do you want alone time, together time, or movement time?”

Make it easier on low-energy days:Write the three options on a note in your phone. When your child is melting down, your brain may forget language. Borrow the note. No shame.

4) Movement as a Reset (Especially for Wiggly, Wired Kids)

You could try a short burst of movement right after school—before homework, before errands, before “tell me about your day.”

Why it might help:Movement can help kids shake off the stored-up energy of holding it together. For some children—especially those with ADHD or sensory needs—movement is how they regulate.

Try saying:

• “Want to do a ‘reset lap’ outside? Just 5 minutes.”

• “Let’s do a quick movement break first—then we’ll come back in.”

Make it easier on low-energy days:Keep it tiny: one lap around the block, 10 star jumps, a slow walk to check the mailbox. Not a fitness plan—just a reset.

5) A “Home Transition Ritual” (Small, Repeatable, Comforting)

One option is creating a simple ritual that signals: school is done, home is safe.

Why it might help:Predictability can feel soothing. Rituals also reduce the amount of negotiating and guessing.

Try saying:

• “Okay, we’re home. Shoes off, wash hands, snack, quiet time.”

• “Let’s do our ‘home landing’: water, snack, chill.”

Make it easier on low-energy days:Make it the same three steps most days. When life is chaotic, repetition can be your friend.

If this feels extra hard

Sometimes decompression isn’t just a little grumpy moment—it’s a bigger daily storm. If your child has sensory sensitivities, anxiety, ADHD, autism, learning differences, or a history of stress/trauma, the after-school load can hit harder.

And sometimes it’s not only about our child.

If you’re parenting through burnout, financial stress, a demanding job, solo parenting, or limited support, the “after school crash” can feel like the final straw on an already-full day.

If any of this is you, you’re not alone—and you’re not doing it wrong.

A gentle next step could be:

• noticing patterns (Is it worse on certain days or after certain subjects?)

• chatting with the teacher about what the day looks like for your child

• asking for support from a trusted professional if you’re worried, or if your family’s stress level is staying high

  
  

Not because anyone is “broken,” but because support can make things lighter—especially when we’ve been carrying a lot for a long time.